I have played soccer for much of my life, from a little kid growing up in upstate New York all the way up into my 30's when I moved back to Minneapolis, MN. I eventually forced myself to quit however as soccer took it's toll on just about every part of my body from the waist down: arthritis in my left ankle from spraining it countless times, bone spur in my right foot, torn meniscus in my right knee, ruptured hamstring, torn labrum in my right hip, vericose veins...and yes one of my top two 'getting-nailed-in-the junk' stories of all-time. I was at soccer practice and turned around just in time to catch a direct high-speed shot from a fellow team-mate right to the groin. I layed there gasping for air and writhing in pain for about 5 minutes, trying to decide if this one was worse than the time I was on my 10-speed bike, going down a huge hill on my paper-route peddling as fast as I could when suddenly the chain came off and I fell flush on the crossbar at high-speed. I could not seem to regain the peddles, and so just riding on my nuts I guided the bike into the ditch in front of a house, tipped over and layed there moaning until eventually a lady came out of the house and offered her assistance. I told her I just wanted to lay there for a few more minutes and then I would be on my way.
I digress...painfully. But anyways, out of all of my soccer injuries probably the most dramatic one took place above the waist. I was in 10th grade playing for a city-league team in Waukesha, WI when I went up for a header along with a guy from the other team named 'Tank'. I got to the ball first and sent it flying at the same time that he got to my nose and sent it flying, moving it an inch or two to my right while it exploded with blood. Ever since then I have had a hard time breathing out of my right nostril, but I just ignored it until it seemed to have gotten worse in the last year or so and my poor wife Nadia was complaining of the snoring.
I never go to the doctor, but since we were going to meet our massive insurance deductible this year anyways with the birth of our son Jack in August, I decided to get the nose taken care of. I had deviated septum surgery last March, but it didn't work. The right side was still slightly collapsed and not getting in nearly as much air as the other side. Upon their suggestion I waited and waited to see if it would finish healing and correct itself over time, but it didn't. So I went to another specialist, a Dr. Peter Hilger who is supposed to be 'The Best'. In addition to being a professor at the University of Minnesota, he is a plastic surgeon that people fly in from all over the country to see. We met, he took a look and recommended I have further surgery to fix it for good. He told me I needed Septoplasty, Vestibular Stenosis repair, and possible ear cart graft or a graft from a cadaver.
Yep, there was a good chance he was going to have to either take a chunk out of my ear to rebuild my septum, or a chunk from a dead guy. I told him I liked my ear just the way it was and that I would prefer he use the dead guy, so he said he would try and accomodate me. As it turned out, in the end he did not need to do either as there was enough junk left in my nose to rebuild it with that, so that was cool. But one of the things he did do though was slit the thin part of the nose between the two nostrils, and then pull the outside part of my nose up and over the inside part so that he could expose and get at the insides...yikes.
So yeah Nadia took me to the surgery center this past Monday to get my nose hopefully fixed once and for all. Part of the pre-op procedure is to meet with the anesthesiologist. He comes in, smiles, shakes your hand and tells you all the things he is going to give to you to make it painless. Seems like a cool job and I wished I had it. My oldest friend Cire Wonhsak is an anesthesiologist and he loves it. Anyways, besides the general anesthesia he informs me that they will be using cocaine topically in my nose. Really?? That seemed ironic to me, as I mention to him that I bet a few of their nose patients are coming in for specifally that reason -- to undue the damage that cocaine can do to a nose.
So a few hours later after the surgery (it is a 2 1/2 hour procedure) I find myself in the recovery room blind. What's happening? Why can't I see? Nadia is there and she tells me I have ice packs over my eyes and nose. Oh, okay. I am extremely groggy and I do not remember much, but Nadia filled in the blanks later. Apparently the nurse and her were going over my follow-up medications...the antibiotics and painkillers I would need and I was laying there listening. Nadia tells me that at this point I decided to try and be funny and I asked the nurse if they were going to be prescribing me some follow-up cocaine. "Wait, what? No? Why not, is that still illegal in this state?" The lady sighed and Nadia laughed nervously as she tried to shut me up, but I persisted: "Are you sure, because I think I know a guy who might know a guy...his name is Bob, the second guy, and I could probably get the first guy to try and track him down if you think it would be helpful."
Nadia finally got me to shut up and I barely remember any of that, but she told me about it later while rolling her eyes. In reality, I do not even know any drug dealers named Bob. So if there are any of you out there, I am sorry. I might have implicated you to the staff at the surgery center in Edina, so you may want to lay low for a few days. And I learned my lesson -- do not say anything you don't have to in the recovery room and for godsakes do not try and be funny.
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