A few nights ago I was giving my 4-year old daughter Autumn and my 2-year old son Jack a bath. No problem. I have done this at least two nights a week for the last four years. It is a little more challenging with two kids involved, but no big deal. The biggest challenge is getting the little nudists into the tub. They love running around the house naked at top speed yelling and laughing and making us chase them around. Once we get them in the tub things can get pretty wet and sometimes they fight over the same toys but mostly bath-time is fun time. This night was a little different though.
We were about half-way through bath-time. I was just getting ready to end play-time and start wash-time. Autumn was on the left half of the tub and Jack on the right. Suddenly Jack stands up, leans back, and with hands on hips he makes the perfect little-boy fountain you see in rich people’s fancy yards and gardens. He was pointed in the direction of his sister, landing a few inches short of where she was sitting. Jack was looking down admiring the nice stream but Autumn was not so appreciative. Her jaw hung open and for a few moments she just stared while the steady stream did not quite hit her but was splashing her the nonetheless.
And then: “Daddy! Daddy!!” she yelled as she looked up pleading for help. She obviously did not care for the unsolicited golden shower/bath she was receiving from her brother. I sprang into action and grabbed Jack’s little weiner with my left hand, not hard but pinching off the stream while I picked him up with my right arm. I did a quick 180 and plopped his naked butt on his own ‘big-boy pottie’ and released his weiner. I hoped he would continue peeing into his fancy little pottie which sings to him when the two metal contacts in the bottom of it are connected by liquid. As per the rules I would then reward him with a chocolate chip and I would be hero-daddy for my quick-thinking and lightning-fast reflexes.
No. That is not what happened. I have not had to clip off my own stream for probably a year or two and I guess I forgot what it was like. Usually it happens when you are peeing somewhere that you are not supposed to be like on a tree at the golf course, or on a dumpster in the alley out behind the bar. As you know guys, when someone comes along and you have to instantly cut it off it is very disconcerting, slightly painful, and not a fun experience. Well that is what Jack was going through and he was extremely pissed off, no pun intended.
One minute he was happily relieving himself and showing off his penile prowess to his sister, and the next minute his father is pinching said penis, ending his relief. When I plopped him on the pottie he had a furious look on his face as he eyes went from his weiner, up to me, back down to his weiner, back up to me. He simply could not believe what I had done to him and he burst out crying in anger, pain and frustration. I implored him to keep on peeing and I would give him a chocolate chip. He just screamed all the louder because nothing more would come out. I had pinched it off and that was that. I had ruined it for him.
Just then Autumn of course stood up and started dancing up and down in the pee-water, lifting one foot up and then the other in an effort to get away from the water while screaming “Ewww, Daddy, Daddy!!” This was all going horribly wrong. My wife Nadia appeared in the hallway staring at the situation that I had quickly turned into mayhem. Both kids were screaming as she sprung into action, picking up Jack to calm him down while I pulled the plug on the bathtub. We drained out all the pee-water and started the bath over. Lesson learned…next time I will remove Autumn from the bathtub, not Jack. And more importantly: never grab another person’s weiner unless they really want it to be grabbed.
