Rock 'n Roll Fish

This may be of no interest to anyone, but I feel the need to talk about it so here it is.  I had to kill one of my fish a few days ago.  His name was Keith Richards and he was perfectly healthy but I just had to do it.  I didn’t step on him or beat him to death or anything like that, I just flushed him down the toilet.  If he is anything like his namesake though there is a good chance that he is still alive, down in the sewer, partying to the wee hours.  I did not want to commit fishslaughter, but I made an executive decision that it was necessary.  It all started two weeks ago when I noticed that our fish tank was getting a little green with algae…more than the one algae-eating Otocinclus fish that we had in the tank could handle.  So my 3-year old daughter Autumn and I went to the pet store to get 2 or 3 more of the little 2” tank-cleaners.

 

Unfortunately there was only one Otocinclus left in the store, but they had some Spotted Catfish on sale that were kind of cute.  The sales lady said they are not algae eaters, but bottom-feeders that eat poop and whatever other crud that sinks to the bottom of a fish tank.  Cool!  We have two rather large Fantail Goldfish that poop like crazy so I thought the catfish would be a welcome addition.  The description tag on the tank said the catfish only get to 2” when full-sized and they like to be in schools of 3 or more.  There were exactly 3 catfish left.  Perfect.  So we bought the 3 poop-eating Spotted Catfish and the lone Otocinclus and headed home.

 

On the way Autumn decided to name the catfish Mick Jagger, Keith Richards and Ronnie Wood, and the Otocinclus of course would be Charlie Watts.  Autumn loves the Beatles and we already have fish named John, Paul, George and Ringo, but she has been getting into the Rolling Stones lately and she wanted to include them in our fish tank.  So when we got home we happily introduced the Stones to the Beatles and watched them scoot around and explore their cool new home.

 

Everything was great for a few days.  Mick, Keith and Ronnie hung out together slumming it on the bottom and seemingly doing well.  But then one morning I woke up and there was Ron Wood laying on his side gasping for air.  The end was near and I’m guessing his lifetime of heavy smoking finally caught up to him.  He was stone cold dead when I checked back in on him 10 minutes later.  I scooped him up from the bottom when my kids weren’t looking, ran him over to the bathroom, said a few kind words and flushed him up to that great fish-tank in the sky.

 

Now I was a little worried though, because there were only two Spotted Catfish left and they like to school in groups of three or more.  Oh well, I would just go get another one when I got the chance I decided.  I watched as Mick and Keith stuck together, completely ignoring the Beatles floating around above them.  George Harrison is a long, thin Chinese Catfish who tried to join the duo when Ronnie left, but Mick and Keith would have none of it and turned their backs on George whenever he cautiously approached.  By the next day though I noticed that Mick wasn’t keeping up with Keith.  He was just moping around, not moving much while Keith was happily bouncing around having a great time.  By that night Mick was dead.  Laying on his side in almost the same place that Ronnie took his last breath.

 

Now I was worried about Keith Richards on his own without his mates.  However I need not have worried about Keith.  He is apparently made of tougher skin than most and has the ability to adapt to any situation.  As soon as Mick left, Keith quickly latched on to Lucas...literally.  Lucas is the largest and oldest fish in the tank and the only one not named after a rock star.  I got him several years ago, before Autumn could talk and ask questions about who is singing and playing guitar on her favorite songs.  Lucas is a beautiful orange Fantail Goldfish about 8 inches long.  Well, he’s beautiful except for the large, white golf-ball sized tumor growing on one side of him.  It started out as a little white lump about two years ago and it just keeps growing and growing.  Now it looks like somebody has super-glued a golf ball to the left side of his body.  Although sometimes it catches on plants and stuff when he swims by, it does not seem to really bother him much.  He eats tons of food and is always alert and seemingly happy.

 

Until Keith Richards started hanging with him that is.  Continuing to snub the Beatles and going right for the head dog, I noticed Keith always at Lucas’s side.  I thought that was nice…Lucas taking Keith under his wing…until I noticed that he wasn’t just hanging with him, he was hanging on him.  And not just hanging on him, but eating him!  Keith latched himself onto Lucas’s tumor and was slowly eating it away.  Over the course of 2 days the top half of the tumor was beginning to disappear.  Hmm.  Was that a good thing?  On the one hand he is eating his friend which on the surface seems like a bad thing, but on the other hand he is only eating the tumor so maybe that is a good thing?

 

Keith didn’t start eating Lucas until Ronnie and Mick died, so I decided to head back to the pet store with Autumn and get a couple new Spotted Catfish for Keith to hang with.  Maybe then he would leave Lucas alone.  The pet store did not have any in stock however, and when I told the sales lady about Keith’s fettish for tumors she thought that it might not be good for Lucas and to keep an eye on them.  I was worried but Lucas did not seem to mind Keith’s cannibalism much, just swimming around happily like always with little Keith munching away on him.

 

The next morning I got up though and the tumor was looking bad.  The top half was completely gone and it was down to a blood-red nub.  Keith was still right there eating away and I decided that was enough.  Keith was cool, but I’d only known him for 2 weeks whereas Lucas was old-school…my buddy, my pal, my rock in the tank.  Keith had to go.

 

I grabbed the net but Keith sensed the jig was up as he fought courageously for his life, swimming with a speed and agility that I never knew he had in him.  He darted everywhere, in and out of all the underwater plants and fake turtles and underwater buildings till I was starting to think that I would never be able to catch him.  Finally I cornered him with the net though and brought him kicking and screaming up to the surface.  I felt bad, but I took one more look at Lucas’s bloody stump and knew that was it.  Keith darted around in the toilet for a bit, I said goodbye, and then he was off with a woosh to the next party.

 

It should be noted that the lone remaining Rolling Stone Charlie Watts is doing just fine.  The other Otocinclus Paul McCartney took to him right away and they became fast friends.  In addition, we have since gone back and got two more Otocinclus which Autumn named Princess Leia and Anakin and the four of them are buds.  Mick, Keith and Ronnie were good fish, but it just goes to show that rockers live fast and sometimes die young, whereas Star Wars characters will probably live on forever.