I woke up this morning at 2:30am and I could not get back to sleep...I laid there for hours...thinking and thinking...I hate that. I don't mind thinking, but not at 2:30am. One of the things I was thinking about was bikers...Harley bikers. If you think about it, you almost never hear of a Harley in an accident or a Harley biker getting a DWI. I know a few bikers and none of them ever get DWI's. And its not like they don't drink and drive. I mean hell, if you go down to The Cabooze/Joint/Whiskey Junction bar-strip in Minneapolis on any given night or especially on the weekend you will see several hundred bikers just pounding beers like their lives depended on it. So, the only conclusion I came up with is that they must be really, really, good drunk drivers. I guess the old saying that ‘practice makes perfect’ is true. But how do they get to be so good at in the first place?
So then I was picturing potential biker gang members having to attend and pass a drunk-driving class before they could get into a gang. The Hell's Angels class would of course be the most rigorous because they are the toughest gang, but pretty much all of the gangs would have some sort of ‘Drunk-Driving 101’ class that they would have to pass.
Students would show up for class and the huge, long-haired biker teacher wearing his denim and leather and chaps would take your breathalyzer reading when you got to class. If it was too low you would have to go back outside and pound more beers until you were drunk enough to get back into class. ".06?! T-Bone! I told you before, nobody gets into my class unless they blow at LEAST a .10 goddammit! Now quit wasting my time and drag your sorry, sober ass out of my classroom! I don't want to see your face back here until you're good and drunk! Here, you'll need a hall pass."
And if they were drunk enough to attend class, they would have to sit through filmstrips of sober nerds riding Honda's and Suzuki's, getting busted, and taking horrific falls on the pavement. Then they would have 'simulation', where a fake cop comes over to the fake motorcycle that you're sitting on and you would have to learn how to intimidate him until he lets you go. Then at recess all the students would rumble (skin only, no weapons) for about a half hour. Then a couple more beers and its back to class.
After passing 'simulation' you would go out in the parking lot where you would learn how to properly rev your engine and smoke your tires. Then, finally, when the teacher feels the class is ready for their final exam he would take you on a field trip to a roadhouse where the assignment is to get really drunk, pick up 1 biker chick, and make it back to the classroom with you, her and the bike all in one piece without getting arrested.
Unfortunately, I have a Yamaha so I could never be in a cool gang.
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