Yes I have a confession to make. I used to make blog entries at least once, sometimes twice a week. I used to be constantly smiling, happy, positive, full of life and looking forward to each and every day with a gleam in my eye and a song in my heart. But I have not been myself for quite some time now and I think it is time I let you all know why.
As I was standing in the shower yesterday morning half-asleep and letting the water rain down on me for the first time in 72 hours, I got to thinking about how much I have changed. First of all…my personal hygiene has gone to hell. Did I brush my teeth this morning? Who knows. Deodorant? Maybe. Shaved? Certainly not today. Weekends are the worst…I have no incentive to bathe, change my clothes, look in the mirror, and I usually just forget about that stuff or blow it off. Have you ever gone days without showering and your hair is so oily that the water just repels off it, like a duck? You try to introduce shampoo to your hair, but it’s so greasy that it just soaks up the shampoo and then it’s gone…where did the shampoo go? So you have to rinse and repeat and rinse and repeat until you have your hair back again.
Sleep? Fahgettaboudit. I do not sleep more than an hour or two at a time. My eyes are red and bloodshot with heavy black bags beneath them. When I do manage to get to sleep I often times dream about getting to sleep. I literally dream that I am going to bed and sleeping. Time is either absurdly fast (I will hit the snooze button, fall back asleep and seemingly a quarter of a second later it is going off again…and on a larger scale the days/weeks all fly by as they blend into one big blob) or time is painfully slow as I stare at the clock waiting for daylight to come and put an end to the misery that is nighttime. I am perpetually sick, with the winter’s cold never really leaving my body as I sneeze and cough my way through the days.
I do not seem to care about work (it’s just there…something I have to do), or TV (I have dozens and dozens of hours of my shows piled up in the DVR that I cannot imagine ever getting to), or sports (I have not attended a live sporting event or sat down and watched an entire game on TV in eons), or the internet (I checked my email last night…286 unread emails…hopelessly behind), or reading (I have a stack of unread magazines about 2 feet high and I cannot remember the last book I read), or even sex (just too tired to even go there). Food is something I do to stay alive rather than enjoy as I usually cram most of my microwave/box/can meals in my mouth in seconds without thinking or barely chewing. This unhealthy eating combined with the lack of exercise has led to my weight getting too high.
My friends do not really know me anymore as I have become a recluse. I stay in my house for days on end without hardly ever leaving except to go to the grocery store or to work. I do not go to concerts or out to the bars or the movies or hardly any social events. Golfing with the boys is nothing but a fond memory. I just emailed my softball coach to let him know I am going to skip playing this year. My social life has been reduced to pulling open my junk drawer and staring at all of the old concert ticket stubs from days gone by.
The house is a disaster, with stuff strewn everywhere to trip over. The layers of dust on the mantle and book shelves and any flat surface in the house are growing thicker every day. The pile of dirty laundry has taken over the entire walk-in closet as I am down to my last pair of socks. The kitchen floor has become a delicatessen for enthusiastic ants scooping up old food that has gathered under the table or has been kicked over to the perimeter of the room. Stains from hastily cleaned piles of vomit on the carpet are scattered throughout the house. Old syringes lay on the dresser, crusted over with various liquids that profess to offer relief and good times.
And maybe worst of all I have become grouchy and negative. Let’s take the god-forsaken month of February for example. This cold, dark, bleak, terrible month of February in the past has had one redeeming feature: it is shorter than the rest. 28 days. Get through these 4 weeks and then we can move on to happy, hopeful, life-giving March. Today should be the last day of February right? But nooo, not this year! It’s frigging leap year! As I stare out the window with tired, blank, unfeeling eyes at the snowfall piling up on my car I yearn for a new day. But I do not want that day to be February 29th. I just want to be able to get off this rollercoaster I am on, get my life back to normal and…really…just get a good night’s sleep for a change.
Okay, here it is. I am just going to come out and say it:
“Hi. My name is Sneaky Sweets, and I have...a 6 month old son and a 2 year old daughter.”
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