Okay, I am going to preface this story with the fact that I am a Minnesota Viking season ticket holder and I love the Vikes. I was born in Minnesota, have been a Viking fan since birth, and therefore despise their state border-rivals the Green Bay Packers. I always have, always will. In addition, my beautiful wife Nadia is perfect in every respect EXCEPT she has one glaring flaw: she is a huge Green Bay Packer fan. Ouch. It sucks, but what can you do? I will tell you what I can do...I can try and steer my 2 year old daughter Autumn and my 3 month old son Jack away from the dark side and ensure that they become Viking fans. I have no doubt that I will succeed as failure is not an option, but the very notion that either one of them could ever turn out to be a Packer fan gnaws at the back of my brain like an insidious parasite and occasionally keeps me awake at night.
Anyways, it has been so hectic around here lately with a newborn and a toddler that I have not even had time to think about what to get Nadia for Christmas this year. So yesterday I happen to hear about the Green Bay Packer public “stock” offering. For the 5th time in this football team's history since 1923 the Packers are offering up public stock in the team. A quarter of a million shares this time, as they are trying to raise money for stadium renovations. I do a little research. It is not real stock. It is basically just a souvenir item. A stupid 8x12 inch piece of green paper that says “Green Bay Packers” on it. It can’t be traded, can’t be transferred, can’t be sold. Completely utterly worthless. But Nadia will love it. So I check the price. $250 plus a $25 handling fee. Are you f*cking kidding me? I am not spending that kind of cash on a piece of paper. Then I think about it. I love her...I have no other good ideas at the moment...it will get me huge points...and I can easily spend $275 a month on groceries, and/or beer for myself if I put my mind to it, so I suppose I can spring that amount of dough for her Christmas present no matter how silly I may think it is. I bust out the credit card and buy her the damn Packer stock.
Then a few hours later on the way home from work she happily tells me: “Guess what? Me and Laura (her sister) bought each other Packer stock today for our Christmas present to each other!”
The Sneaky Sweets household now owns $550 worth of Packer “stock”. This can’t be happening. So I spent an hour on the phone on hold last night trying to return the one I bought. The whole time while on hold having to listen to Packer play-by-play highlights of last year’s Super Bowl victory, in between bouts of that goddamn “Go Pack Go!” chant they do at their stadium. (Yes, I have been to Lambeau Field...past Christmas presents have been Packer tickets.) Eventually some Green Bay chick gets on the line, listens to my story, and tells me to hold please. Ten more minutes of Packer highlights and chanting. Finally she comes back and tells me she will have her supervisor call me back in exactly 2 hours. Then she actually says to me: “Go Pack go!” and hangs up. It is 7pm. I wait till 9pm...nothing.
So I call the b*stards back this morning and sit on hold again with the “Go Pack Go!” chant incessantly permeating my skull until another Green Bay chick comes on the line. She listens to my story and tells me to hold please while she consults with her supervisor. I wait the mandatory 10 minutes while pounding the phone on my forehead. Then she comes back and tells me she will send the information on to another department. What does that mean? Is this really going to happen? Will I get some kind of confirmation#? An email? A phone call to let me know my order was cancelled? She tells me to hold please while she checks on this with her imaginary supervisor.
Ten minutes later she returns to tell me they do not have the authority to cancel it in her department, but she will send it to the department that does and they should be able to cancel it. Again, how will I know if this is really going to happen? She tells me I have to wait and to watch my credit card statements to see if the refund goes through. There will be no confirmation email. No phone calls. No promises. I just have to hope it happens. But then before she hangs up she too says to me: “Go Pack go!” So I have that goin' for me, which is nice.
Hilarious, lol :)
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