Hail Mary

One of the characters in this next story is a guitar player who I will refer to as ‘Dave Malone’.  You will have to be the judge as to whether you think it’s the real Dave Malone or not.  For anybody who has ever known me and ‘Dave’ and/or has ever seen us in action at a late-night function, you invariably at some point have heard us lovingly refer to a woman named ‘Mary’.  This is her story.

She was a very short, old, fat, black woman who happened to be standing next to me and my girlfriend Mugsy Millen at the front desk of a huge hotel lobby in Tampa.  We were all checking in to the hotel and it was about 10pm.  It was the night before Mugs and I were setting sail with the ‘Rhythm & Blues Cruise’, in January of 1998.  This was an annual week-long Caribbean cruise packed with sweet bands playing music on board all week at various stages on deck and inside the ship.  Dave’s band was booked for the cruise, and they had also played a club gig that night that me and Mugs arrived.  They opened for Taj Mahal at the club so they were done earlier than usual, and Dave was just returning from the gig to the hotel. 

So me, Mugs, the old black woman and a few other people were waiting in line to check in when all of a sudden there was this loud commotion off in the distance.  A ‘raucous’ if you will, and I will try and and describe the raucous:  I looked over my shoulder about 200 feet away at the front door and there was Dave struggling with his pack and the revolving door and a doorman trying to help ease the situation...the whole while a drunken tangled Dave was hooting, hollering, laughing and exasperating the situation to the point that Hunter S. Thompson would have been very proud.  Finally Dave and his luggage were extracted from the whole front-door mess and he happened to spot me off in the distance laughing my ass off, so he continued hooting and hollering and yelled "Sneaks!!" as he stumbled his way over to the desk completely oblivious to the crowd in the lobby now watching him. 

The little old lady standing next to me was watching this whole scene, and as Dave made his way over she furrowed her brow and put her properly gloved hand up to her face and was mouthing "Dear me!" as Dave loomed larger and larger.  For some reason (maybe he sensed her deep fear and angst) after giving me and Mugsy a quick hug Dave set his sights on the frightened woman.  He’s a tall guy so he bent down low in front of her so their faces were level and excitedly said:  "Is your name Mary?  Can I call you Mary?  Hi Mary!  These are my friends Peter and Mugsy, and THIS is Mary!  Hi Mary!"  The whole time ‘Mary’ was backing up and stammering and looked like she was going to have a stroke.

Then Dave turned his attention to the guy behind the desk and introduced us to whatever name was on the guy's name-tag.  He instructed the man to give Mugs and I a good room, and when the guy didn't respond immediately Dave got one leg up on the counter and started to climb over, saying he would do it himself.  I somehow managed to pull him off the counter, got my room key, and then dragged him over to the elevators. 

Of course, there was poor Mary standing there waiting for the elevator and Dave rushed up and said:  "Mary!  It's been so long!  How are you doing?  Have you met my friends Peter and Mugsy?!"  Just then the door opened and Dave ushered us all in to the elevator.  By now Mary was absolutely scared shitless and you could sense her horror and dread as the door closed shutting her in with us while Dave was going on about something, his voice booming in the elevator as Mary frantically started pounding on the number "2" button so she could get out of there alive as soon as possible.

Well Mary made it out, mentally scarred for life, but alive.  So then the three of us continued on up to my room where we proceeded to drink the better part of a bottle of tequila mixed with Surge soda.  It was quite the beginning to our weeklong trip at sea, and the birth of our friend Mary who will forever live in our hearts.  In fact, she has risen to almost saintly status since that night and was the inspiration for the poem below written a few years ago:

Hail Mary, full of fear, Dave Malone is with thee;

Blessed art though amongst women,

And blessed is the fruit in thy hotel lobby basket.

Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners,

Now and at the hour of our boat launch.

Amen.