Well the busy summer is just about over so it is time to check in again. I recently saw this video on youtube, and although some might find offensive I think it is pretty damn funny and not entirely inaccurate.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vwbKYcBdVyk
(If this link does not work, just go to youtube.com and enter 'Universal Hot Crazy Matrix' into the search and choose the one that is 5:08 long. You should watch this before you read any further.)
And while at first I thought it was just a hilarious bit, I began to wonder how accurate the chart it. As the guy says this is not a static environment...women can jump from point to point on the chart on a moment's notice, so to get an accurate reading you have to obtain a cluster of data points and take the average. So I devised a series of five questions with situations that a woman might find herself in along with four possible answers to each question. We already know how hot a woman is in our mind on the typical 1-10 scale, so these questions are devised to determine the other axis...the 'Crazy' scale which runs from 4-10 because as the guy said, they are all at least a 4. I had my wife take the test. I already know that in my mind she is an 8 hot (9's are models and the only 10's are a few of the Victoria Secret girls). After evaluating her answers on the test below, she came up with a stunning 4.8 on the crazy scale. I scored a unicorn! The four possible answers for each question are lettered 'A' through 'D', but keep in mind her answer can fall in between an A and a B, sort of like a B+ or A-. Have your wife/girlfriend take the test and see how she sizes up using my 5 research questions:
1) The first question deals with ‘Jealousy’. I will provide you with a scenario. Read all four answers provided and choose the answer accordingly which most closely describes you. You can also say you are between answers…like ‘between B and C’.
You are walking in the mall with your dude. Suddenly you hear an excited female voice call out your dude’s name and she comes running over with a big gooey smile on her face. She is hot. She is your dude’s ex and she is ignoring you and gushing on with your dude about how it is so great to see him. Do you:
A) Smile,
reach out your hand and introduce yourself, and then excuse yourself saying you
are going to step into the nearby Victoria Secret to do some shopping and let
the two of them catch up for a couple minutes, completely secure in the
knowledge that he is with YOU now and you have nothing to be jealous about
because you would not be with him if you did not trust him.
B) Stand
there staring at your dude, waiting for him to recover from the awkwardness of
the situation and introduce you to her, then politely listen to her mindless
drivel until she gets the hint and moves on. After she is gone you let it
go, knowing that of course he isn’t a virgin and that past girlfriends are
bound to pop up now and then.
C) Stand
there glaring at the two of them, tapping your toes impatiently, until you
finally can’t take it anymore and grab his arm and lead him away from
her. You then spend the next 10 minutes grilling him on who that chick
was, and how many more of his past wh*res you are going to have to be
subjected to.
D) You
punch her in the face, and then him in the face…twice.
2) This next question has to do with the concept of levels of ‘Rage’. Again I will give you a situation and the 4 possible outcomes. Review carefully and give your answer to the best of your knowledge.
It is a late Saturday afternoon and you just got home from spending a ridiculous amount of money to get your hair/nails/eyebrows/whatever done. You walk into the living room where your dude is watching NASCAR. You stand there clearing your throat, waiting for him to notice you. He doesn’t. So you say: “Hi honey, how’s the race going?” He slowly turns his head to you. With glazed eyes from 4 ½ hours of NASCAR he says: “Huh?” and then turns back to the TV. You:
A) You
remember that men do not care how big your eyebrows are, how you style your
hair or what color your nails are painted. You understand that unless the
body part that you had worked on was your boobs, men do not have any
interest. You realize that we love you for you, not for your waxed
eyebrows. So you leave and go paint your toenails.
B) You
say: “Hey! How do you like my hair?” Without looking he says:
“You look great honey!” You mutter:
“Assh*le” under your breath and leave the room. You then go paint
your toenails and your daughter’s toenails.
C) You
march in front of the TV so he has to look at you. When he tries to see
around you, you grab the remote, shut off the TV and then throw the remote at
him. He ducks, says: “WTF?” and you yell at him for 10 minutes
about being an insensitive dick. You run out of the room crying, and then
go paint your toenails, your daughter’s toenails, and your son’s toenails.
D) You
punch him in the face, twice. Then while he’s unconscious you paint his
toenails.
3) This next question has to do with the concept of ‘time’. Again I will give you a situation and the 4 possible answers. Review carefully and give your answer to the best of your knowledge.
It is 7:00 pm. You are at your house getting ready for a night out with your dude. The big concert you are seeing at the Xcel Center in St. Paul starts at 7:30 pm. There is an opening band that he really wants to see, but you do not care about them in the least…in fact you dislike them. They will play for one hour, from 7:30 pm to 8:30pm. You are a 30 minutes drive from the arena so every minute you take from here on out is one less minute he gets to see of the opening band. He has been ready for an hour and is patiently standing by the door, but periodically glancing at his watch and getting more antsy as time moves on. You on the other hand have just gotten out of the shower. You plug in your hair dryer and sparks fly out of it rendering it useless. So you:
A) Look
at the clock and realize that you are going to be late and feel bad about it.
Even though you do not care for the opening band, you know that your dude likes
them a lot so you decide that your hair does not matter in this
situation. You realize that he knows what you look like and knows how
pretty you are with or without your hair blown or piles of make-up on. So
you quickly run a brush through your hair, throw on your clothes and rush out
the door with him at 7:10 pm so he will get to see 50 minutes of the opener.
B) You
realize that time is running short, but you still want to look good. Not
taking into account that you are a half-hour drive away you think you have
plenty of time to make the opener. You forget about blow-drying your
hair, but you take time to get your make-up on just right and pick out the
right clothes and shoes. You are ready at 7:30 pm, meaning he only gets
to see the second half of the opener.
C) You
have no idea what time it is and you cannot understand why your dude is just
standing by the door. When the hair dryer fries you get pissed and demand
he go to the neighbor’s house and borrow their dryer. While he is gone,
instead of getting dressed or do anything to facilitate you getting out of the
door faster, you mix yourself a drink. When he gets back with a dryer you
take your usual sweet time and are finally ready at 8:00 pm, meaning your dude
will completely miss the opening band.
D) As
always you have no idea what time it is and you do not care. And why is
your dude is just standing by the door? Moron. When the hair dryer
blows you get pissed and demand he go to the store and buy you a new
dryer. While he is gone, instead of getting dressed or do anything to
facilitate you getting out of the door faster, you mix yourself a drink…and
then another…and then another. By the time he gets back you are pretty
drunk and do not care about the concert or getting there on time. Having
given up on seeing the opening band, he tries to rush you along so you won’t
miss too much of the main act. This really pisses you off so you get in a
big fight and rip up the tickets and throw them in his face, thus ending the
‘night-out’.
4) This next question has to do with drinking. There are a million scenarios we could have used for this one, but I picked one that I am sure we are all familiar with. Again I will give you the situation and the 4 possible answers. Review carefully and give your answer to the best of your knowledge.
It is 7:30 pm on a Friday evening. You have been at the bar with co-workers for happy-hour since 5:00 pm. It is a festive crew and everyone is whooping it up, buying rounds of beer, doing shots, and getting drunker by the minute. The people at the table next to you are even more loud, obnoxious and spilling beer all over the place. Your boss is there. A cute co-worker from the other side of the building has been eyeing you all night. You are supposed to be on a late 9:00 pm date with a new guy you just met. Your car is in the lot but you would probably blow over the .08 BAL legal limit if tested. You:
A) You
have been drinking a glass of water between every beer/shot to keep you from
drinking even more than you have been, and to eliminate any possibility
of a hangover tomorrow. You are a happy drunk instead of an angry drunk
so after telling the loud people next to you a funny joke you politely ask them
to move to the empty table over in the corner. All evening you have been
humorous, entertaining, telling good stories, listening attentively when others
are telling stories, and buying your share of rounds…all of which impresses
your boss. You have been lightly flirting with the cute co-worker, and
you invite him to join your fantasy football league so that you can get his
phone# and email address. You tell everyone you must call it a night,
then call a cab to get home and get ready for your date.
B) You
started out drinking a couple of waters but now it is just alcohol. You
take a shot of tequila and shout over to the loud table next to you to shut up
and quit spilling their damn beer. You started off funny and
entertaining, but have been getting louder and sloppier as the night wears on,
knocking a beer over on the table which does not impress your boss. You
run your hands up and down the leg of the cute coworker and give him your
phone# with a wink. After some deliberation, the rest of the crew talks
you into taking a cab instead of driving. So you have one more shot and
then take the cab home to get ready for your date.
C) You
have been drinking steadily since the moment you got there and are now
hammered. You stumble over to the loud people next to you, pick up one of
their beers and dump it all over their table. Then you come back laughing
like it was the funniest thing anyone has ever done. You order a round of
shots and then laughingly tell the waitress to put it on your boss’s tab. He is not
only unimpressed, but getting concerned at your loud boorish behavior.
You knock over two beers, tell a few jokes that go nowhere while laughing
loudly at them, and everyone is staring at you. Your cute coworker
excuses himself to go the bathroom so you follow him and try to make out with
him at the entrance to the bathroom. After getting rejected, you return
to the table angry, down two more shots that you found on the table, grab your
keys and announce that you have somewhere better to be. Your boss demands
that you give him your keys and he calls you a cab. You get home, pass
out, and never hear the door knocking for your date.
D) You
have been drinking 2 drinks for every 1 drink that everyone else is
having. You always have to be the drunkest and craziest at every public
function that you attend. You have not paid for a single drink and have
knocked over almost as many as you have drank. People are leaving just to
get away from you. You tell the cute co-worker that you want to f*ck his
brains out right there in the bar. He leaves. As an angry drunk,
you stumble over to the loud table next to you and tip it over sending beer and
glass everywhere. The manager is called and he runs over to kick you out
of the bar. You start screaming and yelling that you are going to sue
him. You tell him his bar sucks and then grab your keys to drive
home. Your boss tries to wrestle the keys away from you, but you vomit
all down the front of his shirt. Feeling renewed, you try to climb behind
the bar to poor yourself a fresh drink. The cops are called and you spend
the night in detox, with charges pending.
5) The final question has to do with financial savvy. This time I will give you 4 possible scenarios. Review carefully and decided which one most closely describes you:
A) You
have a checking account and a savings account both with comfortable
balances. You have never paid a bill late or bounced a check in your
life. You have excellent credit. You have several credit cards, but
you never carry a balance. You have a stocks & bonds portfolio
earning money with your job’s HRA and/or independently. You get a nice
tax refund every year. You have no problem lending people money, but you
hate to owe anyone. You use coupons when food shopping and try to shop on
Wednesdays when it is double-coupon day. You rarely impulse buy stuff
just for the sake of buying it, unless it is something small like a CD.
On large purchases like TV’s or cars you research carefully for the best
deal. In short you are incredibly responsible with money.
B) You
have a checking account and a savings account both with something in
each. You sometimes pay bills late and have bounced a few checks.
You have fairly good credit. You have several credit cards, but you carry
a balance on one of them. You have an HRA at work, but contribute just a
small amount. You break even on taxes every year. You owe friends
money, but they know you are good for it and you will pay them back
eventually. You do not use coupons but you are not against them if you
happen to have one. You love to shop for yourself within your means, but
you own way more clothes than any one person needs. On large purchases
like TV’s or cars you do not research, but go with what you want. In
short you are somewhat responsible with money, but can be reckless at times.
C) You
have a minimal checking account and no savings account, often living paycheck
to paycheck. You sometimes pay your
bills late and are no stranger to bouncing a check. You have poor
credit. You have two credit cards, but they are maxed out. You have
no HRA or any financial plan for retirement. You owe back taxes.
You owe all your friends money, to the point that they have stopped helping you
out. You think coupons are a waste of time. You love to shop for
yourself and do so in stores, online, and on the Home Shopping Network.
You judge your boyfriend by how much stuff he buys you. Large purchases
like TV’s or cars always get repossessed for lack of payment. In short
you are irresponsible with money to the point that it is a problem in your
life.
D) You
have no checking account or savings account or credit cards because no bank
will have you due to your abysmal credit score. You always pay your bills
late if at all. Your poor credit score has a lot to do with the 2 times
you have declared bankruptcy. You just applied for a credit card that has
a 28% interest rate, a $400 credit limit, and a $275 filing fee…just so you can
get the $125 available credit to go shopping with. You have zero
financial plan for retirement and do not care. The IRS is after you, and
debt collectors are constantly calling you. You owe everyone money, to
the point that you have few friends left. You hate coupons. You are
a shopping junkie. You leach off your boyfriends until they wise up and
dump you. Large purchases like TV’s or cars are not an option since you
do not have any money. In short you are the worst with money to the point
that you should be in jail and probably will be when the IRS catches up with
you.
When you get your 5 answers you need to convert the letters to numbers. Here is the conversion chart:
A = 4
A-/B+ = 5
B = 6
B-/C+ = 7
C = 8
C-/D+ = 9
D = 10
You then add up total of the five numbers and divide by 5. That is where your woman falls on the 'Crazy' scale. As I said my wife Nadia scored an impressive 4.8 so she is an 8/4.8 'Unicorn'. If she was any less-crazy I might start wondering if she used to be a dude. When finished with the test, she came up with a question for me however. I don't what the hell she is trying to get at, but I will show it to you anyways:
I am trying to talk to my husband about something that I think is really important and hoping that he will let me vent and listen to me so that I will feel better about whatever it is. His response is:
A) Sits
and listens to me until I am done venting and then asks how he can help.
B) Listens
for 1 minute and then throws a half-assed solution my way that I obviously already
considered with no thought behind it just to shut me up.
C) Pretends
to be listening but is actually looking at his phone the whole time and has no
idea what I am talking about.
D) Starts
playing ‘Smoke On The Water’ on his electric guitar with the amp cranked to ‘10’
to get me out of the room asap.
